I got here at 5.am after lying awake for ages. Checked time on cell next to me and it read 4:44. I’ve written 1000 words about stuff. So much stuff. And I had so much more to write. The thoughts have been swirling around my head for hours. About books I’m reading and the concept of synchronicity and the importance of family and Zoom family meetings and all the interesting family members I have all around the world; about listening to an interview on Cape Talk with John Maytham and Mark Winkler about his latest book on memory and people serving in the military; about the article written in Litnet of the inspiring idea from my friend Daryl about setting up online literary festival and imagining it happening all around the world; about a book that is brewing for me and how important I hope it will be in building bridges between communities in South Africa and its impact further afield, about all the WhatsApp conversations I was privy to regarding sandwich drives to Khayelitsha and all the fantastic work that is being done; I wanted to write and tell you how I planned to stay up ’til 12.30 to listen to an online live jazz concert with Dave Koz and Peter White because I love jazz more than anything and had the absolute privilege and fortune of going on a jazz cruise and meeting famous jazz musicians like Jonathan Butler and so many others nearly 3 years ago but that I got too tired. I was even going to tell you a little story about the mug featured in the pic on my desk. ( You will see the lights on the horizon again that kept me company)
But while I sat here behind my desk, I picked up my phone ( because I needed a little distraction from all the chaos in my head) and someone had shared an article in Daily Maverick about the biggest lockdown threat in South Africa being hunger, hunger hunger. And I looked at the images of people standing in queues- no social distancing or masks but the look of fear and anger and hunger and desperation – and suddenly whatever I had to say on this blog, became entirely irrelevant.
So I’m sorry that this blog didn’t end up where it started. I am so utterly inspired by so many things all the time happening around me but it all became so trivial. This is called writer’s doubt. It’s a great pity that I trashed it all because I really had a lot of things I wanted to tell you.
In the end, the thing that matters is that you’re alive today if you’re reading this blog. And you’re probably not hungry.
So my very sombre ending, is for you just indulge your day and practice some self-compassion in whatever way you can. Mine will be with books, music, family, food when I’m hungry and a little of the beauty outside my window. It’s going to be a beautiful day in Cape Town. Here are two pictures I want to share. The one I took at 5am and now.
Take care, stay safe and be well,
Much love ,
xx
(I’m not sure how much blogging I’ll be doing from hereon- there seems to more ‘important’ writing to be done – though it does seem to be the thing I find solace in, so, who knows.)
Niki Malherbe 