Sometimes the more I think about writing, the harder it is to write. Other times I turn up and it turns up with me.
With ‘big’ new beginnings like this first month of a new decade, this blog should be punchy and perfect but it’s already nearly the middle of January so I need to press ‘publish’ or it won’t happen.
I hope you consider this vaguely coherent- I’ve been thinking for some time what I really want to say.
And it is this:
‘This comes with a story’ he said when he walked into the house on the last day of 2019. It was my husband talking and he walked towards me holding something small in his hand. He’d been out for a kayak and was about to grab a quick coffee when he passed a little guy, aged maybe 3 or 4 he guessed, barely able to reach the handle but determinedly pushing a trolley along the pavement where his parents had set up shop to sell some things. It was a simple stash of trinkets and crafty stuff which they hoped to sell to the passing tourists in order to live another day.
‘Is that little guy your son? he had asked the man sitting with a woman next to him, both unpacking their stock.
‘It is,’ he confirmed to which my husband commented that he would be proud of such determination in such a young son.
On his way back passed them again, he gave the child a note and told him he would be successful one day, and would be proud of him if he was his son. The mother of the child saw this gesture and ran after my husband insisting that he have something of her stock as a fair exchange but he said it wasn’t necessary and continued on his way.
She insisted and asked him to have a look at her stock and choose something but he repeated his thoughts.
A few meters on, the woman approached him again and said,
‘Please give this to your wife. It’s a gift from me’.
I read somewhere that “the infinity symbol holds a deep meaning for spirituality, love, beauty and power. In a world filled with distraction and complications, the infinity symbol represents a sense of simplicity and balance. It reminds us to be conscious of where we are and the endless possibilities we have before us.”
It’s the representation of something endless, something lasting forever. There is no beginning and no end. Simply the notion of no limitations but infinite possibilities.
I added it to the chain I was wearing as soon as he gave it to me, my eyes stinging as I threaded it through, and have been wearing it ever since. I don’t wear much jewellery. My pearl earrings, my watch, perhaps the odd bangle or simple beads but seldom anything around my neck. We once had a break-in and all my ‘valuable’ jewellery – a tiny Victorian sapphire ring my father bought in Swakopmund when I graduated with my first degree, and beautiful vintage stone pendant my husband bought on the birth of our first child, an ‘adore’ ring my mother bought me years ago from the Parkview antique shop, and …nothing else I care about – was stolen. I’ve never bothered to replace them. They were irreplaceable.
Later that evening, we all somewhat shyly revealed to each other our resolutions for the year ahead.
But I’ve only realised now, what it is that I want to resolve.
To love, simply. With infinite possibilities.
What I suddenly fear losing most are opportunities to love. Because I don’t always love. Believe me I don’t. I’m easily frustrated because…I’m impossible. That’s why. For one thing, I incessantly feel that I have to be doing, not just loving so I tend to rush everything in an agitated manner. I was told the other day when I walked two paces ahead of one of my offspring with my trolley down the grocery aisles, ‘Can you just flipping chill, Mom’.
Some things I really just don’t love. I truly hate them to be honest. I hate sitting at robots in traffic, standing in queues, pushing my trolley through Pick ‘n Pay, thinking what to cook for supper. I don’t love that I can’t see as well as I used to. But I can still see! I don’t love that I hear the same music phrase being banged out on the piano too often though I love music. I don’t love when my dog barks because she wants to be let out even though I love my dogs.
At the moment, I’m not even loving writing this.
I don’t love enough. I don’t take each opportunity to love. Not enough. The big things, yes but I’m talking about the little things: the slice of a ripe mango when it falls to the chopping board, the fresh, herb-scented dawn air when I get into the driver’s seat for the morning school runs…
At the risk of being soppy and sentimental- sorry, this is soppy and sentimental- what the hell is our purpose?
Perhaps it is just to love. And to be loved. That’s it.
I don’t have to remind you of the state of the world. The planet. The politics, the climate crisis. The people you know and I know who are aging, and dying. People living in conflict, fear and poverty.
What resolutions could they possibly have made?
What resolutions did you make? To improve some aspect of yourself? Some or other part of the pie: the work, family, spiritual, physical so you can work smarter if not harder, get slimmer, be healthier, grow vegetables and then travel more, or take risks or just be more adventurous?
I found this featured image on my laptop today when it was time to start my blog.
“Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way.”
I hope it inspires you as it did me in whatever resolutions you made for 2020!